Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Violence and Control is Not The Way To My Heart

Murder Suicides, Mothers on the run and billions of dollars spent cleaning up the aftermath of family violence should be a lesson enough.

Not a lesson for those who are or have been victims of violence, but those who consider that this is the only way to coexist. Controlling another human being and using violence as a means to maintain it is not the way to love. This subject is often confused. I want to make it clear that this subject should never be confused.

Control is not love, its control - there is no argument to justify the means. Could you imagine if Romeo was controlling? Would Juliet love him if he was? Many have tried to distort the message from the heart of stopping both violence against women and child abuse. Its not about being against marriage or fatherhood, but being against the very action that causes mostly women and children harm. That is the control, the distorted perception that this is the only way to a women or childs heart. It is a complete lie.

When we care about our friends and family properly, we care for what they want to achieve in life. We may not choose to do the same things, but we care more for their happiness than anything. That's real love. Its what makes us better people for that. Putting the right things into perspective and respecting that they are a precious human life that may not fit into the perfect picture that we may have dreamed of, but that they are happy and life treats them well. That they are not harmed, that they are autonomous with the full potential to express themselves as an individual and we love them for that.

It is why there are creative events to highlight some of the beautiful aspects that were robbed from women during domestic violence such as "Dance Against Domestic Violence" or the infamous quilt that is on display every year at the Battered Mothers Custody Conference or beating hearts. Some of the phrases from survivors are consistent:

"I use to sing and everyone loved my voice, but he made me stop"

"He never let me dance"

"He tore up my drawings"

The very essence that makes a human being shine is dimmed over an emotion that should never be allowed to breed: Jealousy. The need to diminish what attracted him in the first place is what drives such acts. Some symbolise surviving domestic violence in the form of butterflies. As the old saying goes, "You cannot catch a butterfly". We admire the beauty and magnificence of such a creature from a distance is a perfect lesson. Catching a butterfly as we know, destroys it. The only way to be close to a butterfly is to be open to it landing on your hand and being gentle so not to cause harm. Whoever invented the phrase, "Gentleman" certainly had a wise idea in mind. The only problem is that the concept of "Gentleman" only seems to apply to first impressions, not everyday relationships. Perhaps living in a box shaped world of consumerism has dulled the senses in the way that we interact with each-other as human beings or that the overpopulated world might have taught some to respect each human less because there are too many.

Whatever the case, every human being is important and worth more than the prize of status or approval. Trophy wives, "seen but not heard" pretty children are and should remain a dark part of our human past as we evolve in a wiser mindset rising above the surface of superficialities. Those are things that never last.

But true love...well that is up to you.